All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
There is no “ea” in Tim.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
absolute chaos
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”