One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT