70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Rt to bother an English speaker
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.