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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I need a headline like this
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.