My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”