Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I wanna be friends with this person
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons