[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
WHO DID THIS?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history