Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
fair
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: