I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Butt weight. There’s more!
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
NASA has no chill
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.