I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.