I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
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