Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important