Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes