My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
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Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist