there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
new shirt idea
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
📽️movie date🎞️
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.