local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Smooooooth
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
sugar glider wrangler
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.