[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Not😆🤣
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit