If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce