My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
dream blunt rotation
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face