Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Erm…
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me