wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt