Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
mom had nothing to worry about
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.