If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.