My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.