[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.