BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !