I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.