is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
two people or more is called a problem
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[eulogy]
line?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Canada has crack?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”