Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.