It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby