So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Optional boss fight.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.