you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
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Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life