Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
early stone age tool
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.