me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.