Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.