Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.