Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes