Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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We take our 40% off sale seriously at
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin