[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?