Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall