in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.