One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
What an awful time to have common sense.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
me after eating Cheetos
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned