What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Dishonest mechanic?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I can’t be the only one 😂
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO