[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.