the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
You Might Also Like
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”