I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.