3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Sell your car
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech