I’ll be mad as hell!
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?