911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
What?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
called in thicc to work this morning
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
This January has 47 Mondays
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week