Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.